Spiders are Bastards

WARNING: This post contains evidence of spiders being dicks through the magic of anecdote, and as such may be highly inappropriate for arachnophobic types.

Spiders, amirite?

I wouldn’t say I’m arachnophobic (in fact I find jumping spiders kinda cute in an ugly kind of way) but when they reach a certain size, they start to make me uncomfortable. Not so much out of fear, but just a general kind of aversion, like some kind of instinct to keep my distance and keep my eye on them in case they try anything.

Besides, it’s hardly irrational. I have reasons for being wary of spiders, and as I’ve been rather lax in updating this blog as of late, I guess that means it’s time for another fillery fluff piece so I don’t look like a total lazy person who can’t even be bothered to update a blog that can essentially be about whatever I want it to be about meaning that really I have no excuse.

Anyway. Spiders.

Exhibit A:

So a few years ago, I go to bed, pull the duvet over myself and get ready for a good night’s sleep. Y’know, basic stuff. Time goes by, I get comfortable, start to drift off…

And then this fucking spider runs across my face.

A fucking spider. Ran across my face.

Fortunately it was only a teeny tiny one, but I think it’s more the principle of the thing. At the time, however, I was half-asleep and just felt a tickle, so on complete reflex I slapped my face.

And then the spider exploded.

Or rather, that’s what I choose to believe, because that’s the most likely way to explain the fact that it split up into like a million fucking pieces. It took me a little while to realise that it was, at some point, a spider.

So not only did this spider run across my fucking face while I was trying to sleep, but in death it provided me with a highly fiddly cleanup operation before I could get back to sleep.

Proof that being a bastard is not a trait held solely by big spiders, and that small spiders are just as capable of feats of dickitude. I mean, let’s be intersectional with our spider hate.

Exhibit B:

I’m the kind of person that recycles unused stuff whenever possible, so when, years ago, I get my hands on a plastic pot, I use it to store stuff. Except after a while, I obviously moved whatever was in there out of it at some point, as it appeared to be empty. So I go to check inside to see if there’s still anything in there, and I can imagine most of you already know where this is going.

Massive fucking spider. Sudden pot movement causes it to freak the fuck out. About 6 inches away from my face.

I just about had a heart-attack. I’m pretty sure I went into shock, sitting there hyperventilating while the spider ran around the bottom of the pot like a moron. When I managed to get my bearings again, I decided to just leave it there. Ignore the pot and wait for the thing to die so I could dispose of it.

Even after that happened though, I suddenly found myself with this aversion to that pot. I kept my distance from it at all times, and especially didn’t look into it. Eventually I told myself I was being ridiculous, that the spider was long gone, and to prove it to myself, I went to look into the pot.

Another fucking massive spider. Freaks the fuck out right by my face. I’m not even joking: the exact same thing happened twice. The exact same thing.

Fortunately I was subconsciously expecting it that time, so it wasn’t quite as shocking. Except for the fact that the same thing happened twice what the fuck goddamn.

Luckily that was the last spider to appear in that pot, so it seems I was a victim of incredible statistic unlikelihood rather than possessing a pot that could summon spiders from the spider dimension.

On the plus side I was eventually able to use the pot to store stuff again, which I’m willing to chalk up as a happy ending…

Exhibit C:

It’s late. I’m on my computer, and everybody else has gone to bed. Nothing really out of the ordinary, until I turn my head slightly and see a big-huge spider just chilling out in the corner.

It was being quiet and relatively well-behaved, sure, but what makes this spider a dick is firstly that it had set up camp in a highly inaccessible place, namely the corner where two walls and the ceiling met. Also there was stuff in that corner, meaning I couldn’t just get a stepladder to take care of it. As mentioned, everybody else was asleep and in no mood for spider shenanigans.

So I had no real choice but to go to bed. With a bloody great spider in the room with me, while trying to ignore this fact so that I could get to sleep.

And this leads me to the second reason why this spider was a dick: when I got up in the morning it was gone. There was no sign of it anywhere. Obviously I imagine a lot of you would consider this a good thing, but for me at the time it just caused paranoia. I was constantly on edge, looking over my shoulder, expecting this fuck-off spider to pop out of nowhere.

This lasted for a couple of days, until a big-huge spider turned up in the bathroom, was unceremoniously kicked out of the house, and I was able to convince myself it was the same one.

The moral is that spiders can be dicks while doing nothing at all.

Exhibit D:

Toothbrush spider. (Yes that is my toothbrush)

Exhibit E:

Playing on my DS on a bored afternoon, minding my own business, all good.

Suddenly I feel a tickle on my arm. Naturally I assume it’s just hairs shifting, but decided to have a glance anyway.

Yep, you guessed it. Spider.

And of course, completely on reflex, I jumped. The DS went out of my hands and landed on the floor, causing the hinge to break. Fortunately it still worked alright, but it now had a wonky hinge and a much reduced lifespan as a result.

And where was the spider after all this? Gone. Vanished. Apparently into thin air. Or it had returned to the spider dimension from whence it had came. Whichever is more likely. All I know is that it was more than likely pulling a little trollface as it disappeared, content in the knowledge that it had caused me to break my DS.

I hate the spider dimension.

Conclusion: Spiders are bastards and there ain’t nothing you can say that will convince me otherwise.

-Cpoffley