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Flash Fiction: No Such Thing as Monsters

So today (May 16th) is National Flash-Fiction Day. To celebrate, I (quickly) wrote this short little thing. Enjoy!

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“Daddy…” said Suzy nervously, holding the bedclothes tightly, “…I think there’s a monster under my bed…”

“Look Suzy, we’ve been through this.” her father sighed. “There’s no such thing as monsters.”

“But…”

He leant in close, his voice a reassuring whisper. “Think about it. You are utterly convinced there’s a monster, right?”

“Yes…”

“But monsters aren’t real, so there is no monster. So your imagination is going to be playing tricks on you. Every creak, every movement of shadows, every little thing you’re going to think is that non-existent monster. So you see, what you think is a monster… is in fact nothing more than your fear! All you have to do is be brave. When you’re not scared anymore, that ‘monster’ will vanish forever!”

“But daddy, I…”

“Trust me, Suzy.” he smiled. “It’s all in your head. You have the power to make that monster go away. You can do it! I believe in you!” he made some exaggerated fist-pumping motions, causing her to giggle.

“Thanks daddy…” she said with a smile. He leant forward, tucked her in and gave her a kiss on the forehead. “Love you.” she said.

“Love you too sweetie.” he replied. “Goodnight!”

He clicked off the light, gave her one last smile as he left the room and then carefully and quietly clicked the door shut. The sound of his footsteps as he went down the stairs was all that could be heard, and soon that too went quiet. Suzy lay in bed, staring at the ceiling.

“Did you understand any of that?” asked the monster, poking its head out from beneath the bed.

“Not a word.”

 

-Cpoffley

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Short Story – “Anniversary”

So at the end of last year I entered one of the monthly short story competitions by the fine folks at Five Stop Story. Due to a misunderstanding of when the deadline was and a lot of procrastination of what I was going to write, the whole thing was written pretty much within an hour, so I wasn’t particularly enthusiastic about its chances.

And yet I got runner up. Um… hooray for me I guess?

The story is called “Anniversary”. The theme for the competition was dreams, and the whole thing is a short 1,269 words, so it shouldn’t take up much of your time. I don’t want to spoil anything else about it, though…

If I have piqued your interest, you can read it here: http://www.fivestopstory.com/read/story.php?storyId=1298

Read it. Share it. Give feedback. Hell, maybe even enjoy it if you’re that way inclined. Let’s just hope it’s the start of something bigger.

-Cpoffley

Other stories from Five Stop Story can be found here. Why not take a look?

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Ideological Churnalism

A few days ago, anti-immigration right-wing pressure group “think tank” Migration Watch UK put out a report that basically suggested that increasing rates of Eastern European immigrants from the A8 countries are to blame for UK youth unemployment. Mainly this just amounted to conjecture, and then a graph, with little to no real analysis of the relation between causation and correlation and any other factors that may have influenced the results. Any analysis seemed to boil down to little more than “they MUST be stealing jobs!”

In fact looking at the stats, there is a much larger correlation between youth unemployment and the onset of the global economic crisis than the induction of the A8 into the Eurozone in 2004.

Fancy that.

Note that even after 2004, youth unemployment only really starts to take off in 2008: the whole MW report is based on the assumption that youth unemployment has mainly A8 immigration to blame, when the figures seem to show that this simply isn’t the case. Even the graph in the report doesn’t really show this as well as they probably think it does (look at how the two lines don’t exactly rise relative to one another).

Of course, this hasn’t stopped the usual media suspects from doing their usual take on this kind of thing.

The Mail has gone with “A coincidence? Youth Unemployment Rises 450,000 in the time it takes 600,000 migrant workers to flock to the UK“, while the Express has settled on “East European Surge Blamed for 1m Young Britains being on Dole” (both safe links). Both articles are barely distinct from one another, taking the MW report and presenting it as unequivocal fact. Just mindless repetition, 45% copypasted from the original source (according to churnalism.com).

The whole thing is yet another example of how small, ideology driven astroturf pressure groups like Migration Watch and the Tax Payer’s Alliance are propogated and given undue influence by tabloids who unquestioningly print whatever report or press release they’ve concocted, solely because it fits in nicely with their editorial positions. It’s another example of how the so-called news media these days often seems to be more about ideology than truth.

For the record, I’m not outright dismissing out of hand that A8 migration could’ve maybe had some effect on UK youth unemployment, but presenting it in this way is dishonest at best and damaging at worst.

But then, they just don’t care do they?

-Cpoffley

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Starting that first novel

Speaking as somebody who has written three, writing a novel can be a challenging, yet rewarding experience, and saying you’ve written one is an excellent way to break the ice when meeting new people. If you’ve ever been tempted to write one yourself, rest assured that it’s not as hard as it most likely seems.

There’s no right or wrong way to write a novel, but I’m sure at least some of you reading have been tempted to start one only to feel daunted by all the stuff. You know what I mean. With that in mind, here is a list of tips from me to you on what to keep in mind when starting your first grand writing adventure. Of course, remember that I’m pretty damn amatuer (my secret! Noooooo!), and this is all based on personal experience. Feel free to play around with what works for you.

Or don’t. Y’know, whatever.

  1. Plan and plan again. Don’t just jump straight in: make sure that you know where you’re going and how you’re going to get there. Obviously different levels of planning work for different people, but it’s good to make sure you know, at the very least, the beginning, the end and any significant plot twists and turns that happen in between, as these are the parts that people are going to remember and so must be the parts that are clearest in your head. Otherwise, you need only a vague idea as to how to bridge them, just enough to reduce the probability of you writing yourself into a corner or bringing on a big ol’ case of writer’s block.
  2. Push on. Don’t keep stopping and starting to rewrite chunks you’re not happy with. Fuck that shit and just keep going. Take an “I’ll fix it in post” stance (except that you actually fix it in post at some point). It is ridiculously rare for somebody to get it right on the first draft (which is why journalism is often called “the first draft of history”), and if you stop to edit as you’re writing, you’re never going to finish it. Chances are you’re just going to keep rewriting the same bit until you get bored and give up. Just charge through like a rhino with its bollocks on fire, and let the words flow from your fingertips.
  3. Don’t think you have to write it in chronological order. Related to the above two points, it’s inevitable that some parts of your hypothetical magum opus will be more fleshed out in your head than others. If so, just straight up write them, and go back to whatever part you were writing before later. If you’ve hit a brick wall with your writing, move on and return later. Just make sure that the whole thing is chronological when its finished, unless you really want to fuck with some heads.
  4. Spend time characterising. Ultimately, chances are the plot of your novel will be held together by the characters, so it’s important that they are well written, three-dimensional, believable and elicit at least some degree of audience sympathy. Spend just as much time, if not moreso, planning out your characters, until you’re sick of the little fuckers until you know them almost as if they’re real people. Remember that all good characters have flaws as well as virtues, and bear in mind the concept of character arcs and character development wherein they overcome them: if your characters don’t come out your story having learnt anything, in the end it was really little more than just a bunch of stuff that happened.  Also, ideally you shouldn’t have to spend much time thinking of any major character’s dialogue or actions: it should be so natural to you how they think and how they react that their responses to any given situation should be second nature.
  5. Set realistics time deadlines. The benefit of writing a novel in your free time is that any deadlines are your own. Of course it helps to have them in order to have a clear goal to strive for, but you’re perfectly able to set them at your own pace, and suffer nothing but maybe a slight loss of pride if you miss them. Basically, pace yourself and don’t worry about pressure. Unless you work well under pressure, in which case you are very strange.
  6. Don’t get too hung up over originality. Of course, originality is important: you’ll always need something to make your novel stand out from the handful (or so) that are already out there. The problem is that with so many original works out there, the chances of you coming up with something that’s never been done before is somewhere between zero and hell no. The way around this is not to fret, but to take preexisting tropes and narrative ideas and play around with them in new settings and with new combinations. Just bear in mind that sometimes things become cliché and overdone for a reason, in that they work. Changing things around just for the sake of being different or original runs the risk of ruining what makes them work in the first place.
  7. Consider pacing and avoid padding and filler. Though there’s no real consensus on how many words constitutes a novel, it’s probably best to place it somewhere between 60,000 and 70,000. That should really be your bare minimum if you’re out to write a novel (as opposed to a novella or novelette), but for your first major writing endeavour it’s probably best not to set yourself a word target. If, say, you decide to write to 120,000 words, but don’t have enough story to fill that up, inevitably you’ll be delving into the whimsical realms of padding and filler, where you desperately try to fill space to get to your unrealistic word deadline.  Pacing is an important thing to consider while writing, and the more time your characters spend faffing about, doing nothing for the development of the plot or their own characterisations, the more your potential audience will be put off. Try and say as much as you can in the least amount of time, and keep reminding yourself of the relevance what you’re writing has to the bigger picture of your story.
  8. Bear in mind you’re working in a non-visual medium. The benefits of  non-visual stories is that they allow the audience to use their imagination to construct their own interpretations, but at the same time for them to have any real idea what’s really going on, description is inevitably needed. The trick is in the balance, trying to make it more than lifeless beige text while avoiding migrane-inducing flowery prose. Again, say more with less.
  9. And finally, the most important thing: write something you want to write. A novel requires dedication, and dedication requires interest.  You don’t want to get bored within a week of you starting writing for example, so you have to be absolutely sure that this is something you want to do. Knowing what your target audience will be is nice, but writing with a certain group in mind at all times can often be disrupting to the writing flow. Instead, write something you would like to read. Chances are that there are a fair few people with similar interests to you, unless you’re writing something super-niche I guess. But even these days of the internet…

So there we are. Now you should be all set to write something stupendously grand. And if not, well, that’s clearly your fault, not mine. As they say, “the bad student blames the teacher”*.

Also, if any of you reading are writers yourselves, feel free to share your own techniques (or critiques of mine if you’re a jerk or a professional) in the comments. Share the wealth like some kind of filthy communist!

-Cpoffley

*I’m the only one that says this

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Friday Fluffeh 1

So here’s the first of what will hopefully be a regular thing: Friday Fluffeh! Those of you who follow me on Twitter will be aware that I am an occassional sharer of fluffeh, so this is the next logical step, naturally.

I doubt it will be every Friday, but stay tuned anyway.

For the first Friday Fluffeh, please enjoy this video of a rabbit grooming a degu, and allow the stresses of life to just MELT THE FUCK AWAY JESUS CHRIST.

Naturally, any time you feel down in the future, check out the “Fluffeh” tag, and take your pick of whatever adorable picture/video I have dredged from the fetid depths of the internet.

-Cpoffley

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Some pointless fluff about the perfect cup of tea

This post has no real value or point. Just a forewarning there. It’s just something to tide you over while I work on more intellectually stimulating (ish?) fare. Still, at least the title of this blog will be apt…

I frequently partake in the cultural phenomenon known to you humans as tea. It’s brilliant and don’t let anybody say otherwise.

Except I very rarely have ‘normal’ tea these days (black tea with milk and sugar if you’re that way inclined). Usually I’ll have some kind of green tea or some fancy shit like lapsang souchong. This isn’t just me being a fancy bastard either, no, there is an actual reason for it.

Because I ruined tea for myself. Ruined it FOREVER.

I ruined tea for myself because I once made the perfect cup of tea.

EVERYTHING was as it should be. The percentage of milk, the time spent simmering the teabag, the time it took for the water to get from kettle to cup… everything! This was not some mere cup of pretty good tea. This was sheer sublimitea. This was the cuppa that for all its brilliance, came with a grave warning with every sip: it was all downhill from there. Every cup of tea I would ever have from that blessed cuppa would taste like crap in comparison, and, holy balls, they did. I couldn’t help but compare every single one of them to that single heavenly cup. I could no longer enjoy tea as I had in the past. MY WHOLE WORLD CAME CRASHING DOWN!

So I moved on to green tea, because I have yet to ruin that for myself. When I do have ‘normal’ tea, it will usually be to finish off last slithers of milk in a carton or something daft like that.

THE END, AND I BET YOU’RE GLAD TO HEAR THAT.

Feel free to share your own pointless tea stories in the comments if you have them. I won’t judge (to your face).

-Cpoffley

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OH HAI

So I caved in and now I have a blog.  (*SPOILER*: It is this one that you are reading right now!)

So basically, here is the boring introductory post to emancipate people of the notion that this momentous endeavour is going to be in any way worth their time…

The purpose of this inevitable waste of bandwidth is to provide me a venting ground for my various internal mind-workings. It might get a bit sweary at times, but I’m sure you’re all grown up enough for that to not be a problem. There will be no set update schedule, which tends to suggest that new posts will be rare and sporadic to the point that just seeing a new one will fill you with such excitement and glee that you will scarcely be able to wait the unfeasibly long time until the next one. That is totally a thing that is going to happen.

Generally speaking, posts will fit into the following categories:

  1. Writing. I fashion myself as “a amacher riter”,  having written, as of writing this, three novels, a novella and a handful of short stories (all unpublished). On here, I will generally pretend to know what I’m talking about when it comes to writing techniques and narrative tropes by discussing them, and will probably post some short stories now and then if I have any worth sharing (haha).
  2. Media. Being a journalism graduate, I am quite bitter at watching the mainstream media get away with stuff that I was explicitly taught NOT to do. Media watching will be an irregular thing here, mainly because those handsome peeps in the blogroll on the right there are way better at it than I could possibly hope to be.
  3. Politics. Again, probably an irregular thing, but I may explore posting about politics from a left-wing perspective. Be warned.
  4. Sexuality. In particular, stuff relating to the lack of it and the issues surrounding that. Don’t expect any pr0nz or anything sexxxay in other words. And don’t even pretend that you weren’t.
  5. Internet curiosities. Wherein I share anything interesting I’ve found for your benefit, whether it be pictures, video or just other blog posts that are more suitable for your perusal than anything that will be on here. Hooray.
  6. General procrastination. Serving as reassurance to anybody who finds this blog: that no matter how boring  they think they are, they will never be as tedious as the bullshit that goes through my head when left to its own devices.

So there we are. A new blog adding nothing new to the wacky whimsical world of the internets. Lets set up a betting pool on how long it’ll be until I get bored and abandon it. I’m going with about a month and a half.

Wanton piffle indeed…

-Cpoffley